Who Am I?

by Jane Cobb

- do not use without the author's permission.



An old friend, Anne Lange, daughter of childhood friend, Sharon had been e-mailing me to ask questions about the mare's lifestyle I have chosen to lead. Others have asked over the years too. But Anniegirl, as she now uses in her new profile is also writing her own story about becoming a mare. Some of it's based in her own life, we all do that when we write, you can't help but put your life experiences to work for you.

Bits and pieces of my real life experiences can be found in my New Mare series posted here. But as Anniegirl inquired it made me think about how I think of myself. What kind of personal view I have of me and who I am.

Coming home from Nam (see the start of my life story for more about that) I went to an RR "ranch" in California to recover from my injuries, both mental and physical. One of the psychologist helping us, a nice WAC officer herself, talked to me extensively and I opened up to her about wanting to be a mare. She had heard of the "ponygirl" stuff and thougt it was B&D sex play.

But as I talked about it over quite a few sessions she began to change her mind because I really, truly, deeply wanted to live my life as a mare. She even coined a term for me, homo-equinus, human horse. She began to take me seriously and told me it was a lot like the trans-sexual people who believe they are another gender born into the wrong body. I for one will not dispute that with anyone truly a TS. Either the M to F or F to M people.

I began to form the idea that I was in the same situation but not the wrong gender, the wrong species. Even as a child I wanted to actually be a horse, in my case a real mare. I wanted to be, actually be, Dale Evans' mare Buttermilk. I used that as my mare's name for years when I thought of myself and who I was. I also related to being Flicka too.

So I am the right gender, female, which I enjoying being completely. It is my one real satisfaction that I'm the right sex or gender. I love being a female mammal and everything that goes with that. But I'm the wrong species. I'm actually a mare trapped in a woman's body. I've stayed in the human mare/ponygirl scene all my life because it's as close as I can come to being...well, my ideal, Buttercup.

I've also realised that as a small mare, my human body does not let do and be the way I want to be. So I've adapted some of what I've done over the years to allow me to be a mare in this small, human like body. I can never be large enough for a modern day Dale Evans to leap into the saddle on my back as we race to catch up to Roy Rogers on Trigger. And mating with Trigger is a whole other topic of course.

But I settled for pulling wagons or carriages or carts because it is what I could do inside this human woman's body I'm cursed with. No, I'm delusional enough to think that I am a mare in reality, but I still wish with all my heart, deep in my soul, that I was born a horse, an equine, a real mare. So I try to come as close as I can.


Janeygirl
Lead Stable Mare
Buttermilk wannabe!


A representation, not photo, of Janeygirl